


Song of Return

by kierenmonroe



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: In The Flesh Advent Calendar, M/M, Warming Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-02-28 09:37:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2727509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierenmonroe/pseuds/kierenmonroe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Alive Again AU I wrote for the <a href="http://intheflesh-art.tumblr.com/tagged/ac%2014">In The Flesh Advent Calendar Project</a>, you can find all the fics/art for it either on the blog or <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2708018">here on AO3</a></p><p>The art is by the AMAZING and talented <a href="http://checanty.tumblr.com">Jana</a>.  She is one of the sweetest people ever and her art is gorgeous.  Please go check her out <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the lovely akasafeword on Tumblr for being a fantastic beta.

It’s been weeks since Amy’s funeral, and he noticed Kieren’s shaking hands almost immediately, though it was obvious that Kieren had tried to hide it.  It happens again when they’re sitting in the bungalow, Kieren sketching idly and Simon strumming his guitar.  When he notices that Kieren’s stopped drawing, he looks up to see him staring at his hands in shock.  They’re shaking, harder than they had before.  Simon puts his guitar aside, moving closer and covering the shaking hands with his own.

“This was happening to Amy, too.”  Simon presses his lips to Kieren’s shaking hands, smiling against them.  “And she was alive.”

Kieren nodded, his eyes wary.  “I don’t know if I want to go back to being alive, Simon.”  Simon stared at him, silently prompting him to go on.  “Well…what if it all happens again?  What if I go back to my dark place, like before?”  He rubs at his wrists, barely seeming to notice.  “I don’t want to feel that way ever again.”

Simon brushes his hands softly against Kieren’s face.  “Look at me.”  It takes some prodding, but Kieren meets Simon’s eyes.  “You’re strong, Kier.  You fought against the Blue Oblivion, you made it this far.  And you have me, you know that.  You will always,” he presses a kiss to Kieren’s nose, “have me.”  He presses kisses down the other man’s face, tugging him closer.  “I will never let you go back there again, Kieren.”

He pulls back, meeting Kieren’s eyes again.  “You forget, I was there myself.  And I know there’s no way of being sure you aren’t gonna be sucked back in.  But know that if you do, I am right here to hold your hand and let you cry and rant, and if you need to hit me or have really angry sex…”

Kieren laughs, leaning into Simon’s embrace.  He presses his face into Simon’s shoulder.  “Of course I didn’t forget about that, you know I’m here for you too.  And thank you, Simon.  You have no idea how much that means to me.”  

Simon lets out a breathy laugh, his fingers digging into Kieren’s shirt.  He feels Kieren’s heart pounding against his hand- _Kieren’s heart._

He jerks away, his eyes wide.  Kieren looks confused for a moment before letting out a choked gasp, his hands going to his chest.  He sinks slowly off the sofa to his knees and Simon can feel his head spinning.  He leans down, taking Kieren’s shoulders and holding him up.  “Kieren?”

Kieren’s eyes are blown wide and he reaches up, touching his face.  “What the hell, Simon?”

But Simon can’t talk.  Kieren’s eyes are brown and full of _life._  He reaches up, his hands shaking, and touches Kieren’s cheek.  “Your eyes.”  He can’t stop staring and Kieren lurches to his feet, his movements jerky but more graceful than they had been, stumbling into the bathroom.  He grips the sink, leaning close to the mirror.

“What the _hell.”_ He turns to Simon, his face breaking into a wide smile.  “I have no idea what’s happening.”  A laugh bubbles out of him and he’s leaning over, grasping his sides and struggling to breathe between each laugh.  Simon laughs too, sinking down beside Kieren.

“What do we do?”  Kieren shakes his head, still laughing.  “I think we at least need to take you to the GP.   Because I have no idea how to deal with this type of thing.”

Kieren sobers instantly, looking nervous.  “What if they send me to Norfolk?”

“To the treatment center?  That’s for the undead, Kieren.  Which you aren’t anymore.”  Kieren bites his lip and Simon’s eyes flicker down.  His lips are pink and Simon leans in, pressing his lips gently to Kieren’s.  He feels the other man smile against his mouth and deepens the kiss, biting gently at Kieren’s lower lip.  After a moment he pulls away, happy to see Kieren’s lips are swollen and flushed.  “This is gonna be fun.”

 

Kieren rolls his eyes and stands, dragging Simon up with him.  “Let’s just go to the GP.  If this is happening to me too, then…”  He takes Simon’s hand, wrapping their fingers together and tugging Simon along to the door.  “Maybe it’s gonna happen to you, too.”

Simon nods, tightening his grip on Kieren’s hand.  “Maybe.”  Something in the tone of voice makes Kieren raise an eyebrow, confused.  “Kieren.”  Another beat of stubborn silence and Simon lets air huff out loudly.  “This is what I have.  The Undead Prophet, he gave me a new life.  Everything I thought I had at home, at the Treatment Center, with my parents, that was gone.  My dad threw me out and we haven’t spoken since, and I’m not sure I want to see him.  What happens when I go back?  If I even go back, since I’ve only had the tremors a few times.”  He sighs, looking down at his feet.  “We’ll see what happens and figure it out then.”

“You know you won’t have to change anything if you come back.  We can stay here, just like we have been, but we’ll have to buy some food.”  Simon laughs weakly, and Kieren turns his face up.  “Look at me, Simon.  We are both going to be okay, and we are going to figure this out.”

He presses a quick kiss to Simon’s lips before leading them out the door.  They make their way down the ramp, still holding hands.  “And in terms of the symptoms, Amy had those headaches, and she was passing out.  I didn’t have those symptoms, so maybe it’s just different for everyone.”  He shivers, wrapping his arms around himself.  “You know, before we walked out I was thinking I would like feeling things again.  But I did not miss being cold.”  He blows out a breath and grins, repeating the action and watching the puff of air in front of his face.  “This is so weird.”

Simon nods again, not knowing what to say.  “What do you think your parents are going to do?”

Kieren stops.  “Shit.  I have no idea.  I mean, I don’t know what to think.  Things got pretty close there, when they wanted to send me to Norfolk.  And then the whole thing with Gary, and I know they seemed so happy but I honestly feel like they think I can’t be trusted.”  He shrugs, looking around at the street.

Simon steps so he’s looking into the shorter man’s eyes.  “Jem chose you over Gary.  And your mum was leaving to go and stop them from taking you when she ran into your dad, so she was always on your side.  And you can’t forget that it was your dad who drew you back from Blue Oblivion, he always knew you were strong and still his son.  Kier, we have to tell them.  You have nothing to be afraid of, okay?  I’ll go with you.  Do you want to go now or after the GP?”

Kieren bits his lip, leaning a bit into Simon.  “I think we need to get this out of the way.”

Simon nods, holding Kieren closer for a moment before stepping back and winding their fingers together again.  They walk to the Walker home in silence, and Kieren puts a hand to his chest.  “My heart is beating really fast.”

Simon laughs.  “Hearing you say that is gonna take some getting used to.”  Kieren smiles, but it falls when he sees his father standing outside.

“Where you been, Kieren?” Steve asks, his hands hanging awkwardly at his sides.  He looks to Simon for a moment, smiling tightly.

“Hey, Dad.”  Kieren opens and closes his mouth, not knowing what to say.  Simon squeezes his hand, smiling encouragingly.

“Going back to wearing the contacts, then?” his dad asks, stepping closer.  Kieren shakes his head, and Steve looks confused.  “What do you mean?”

“Dad…”  Kieren steps closer, letting go of Simon’s hand to take his dads.  “I’m back, Dad.  Really back.”  


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I also submitted this one to the Advent Calendar, and I was paired with another fabulous artist. The art (completely killed me it's so perfect) is by the lovely and hella cute [Laura](http://00silvad.tumblr.com). Go check out her art, you won't regret it!

He lifts his father’s hand to his chest and after a moment, Steve’s face fades from confusion to awe.

“I-how-is Simon?”  His eyes are wide and he leans around Kieren.  Simon smiles tightly and shakes his head.  “Oh.  Eh, sorry.  When did this happen?”

Kieren laughs shakily.  “Half an hour ago?  It’s all really…really strange.”

Steve nods, his jaw still slack with surprise.  “We need to let your mom know.”  Kieren nods, following his father inside.  He turns, reaching his hand out to Simon, who smiles and takes it.  They go inside and Steve calls out to his wife.

She seems to hear in his voice that something is wrong and comes running in, Jem close on her heels.  “What is it, what’s happened?”

“Kieren’s back.”

Jem raises an eyebrow.  “Yeah, he does come home from time to time.”

“No, Jemima.  He’s _back.”_ He gestures to Kieren, and Sue’s eyes flicker over him, searching for a change.  Her eyes meet his and she sucks in a sharp breath.  Simon drops Kieren’s hand, stepping back towards the wall.  Kieren’s mother runs her hands over her son’s face, her eyes filling with tears.

“How?” she whispers, her hands shaking.  Jem is staring, wide eyed, not saying a word.

Kieren shrugs.  “Simon and I were just on the way to the GP to see if they know anything about this.  I thought maybe it was happening because I fought the Blue Oblivion, but then I remembered that the same thing happened to Amy, right before…” he stops, shifting and looking down at his feet.  “Before everything happened.”  

Jem walks closer, reaching out to pull her brother into a hug.  “I’m glad you’re okay, Kieren.”  

He smiles, kissing her forehead.  “Thanks, Jem.”  

He turns to Simon, opening his mouth to say something, but instead he lets out a horrified gasp.  “Simon!  Your nose…”  Simon reaches up, touching his upper lip softly.  When he pulls his hand away, he sees a smear of black blood, and the tremor starts.  He looks up at Kieren, trying to form words, before everything goes dark.

\--

He wakes up, head spinning, with Kieren’s worried face looming over him.  “What just-” He stops, reaching up to touch his head.  “Ouch.”

“You scared the _hell_ out of me, Simon.  You fell and you started jerking around.  Never seen anything like it, I’m assuming it’s the same as was happening with Amy.  Dad helped me carry you upstairs.”  He leans back as Simon sits up and looks around.  They’re in Kieren’s room, and he’s lying on the bed.  He touches his upper lip again, but when he pulls his hand away it’s clean.

“Sorry.  That hasn’t happened before.”

Kieren smiled weakly.  “Leave it to you to get my heart to stop beating, just when I’m getting used to having it back.”

Simon rolls his eyes and leans towards Kieren, tucking his head against the other man’s chest and listening to the steady beat there.  “I’m fine now, alright?  No more heart attacks.”

Kieren laughs and it rumbles through his chest.  He leans back so Simon is lying half on him now, wrapping an arm around the other and holding him close.  “I’m glad, though, in a weird way.  That means you may really be changing.”

Simon nods, trying to ignore the uneasiness he’s feeling.  He turns his face up to look at Kieren.  “If I tell you you’re incredible, are you going to hit me?”

Kieren rolls his eyes and presses a kiss to Simon’s forehead.  “You think too highly of me, Simon.”

Simon props himself up on his arm.  “No, I don’t.  You really are amazing, I wish you could see it.  And now this?  I don’t know what it’s going to take to make you see it, Kier.”  He reaches out and brushes his fingers through Kieren’s hair.  “Everyone else can.  Your parents, Jem.  I know Amy could.”  He feels a jolt of pain when he says Amy’s name and he knows Kieren feels it too.  

“She’d be screaming right now if she were here.”  Kieren smiles, his eyes shining.  “She would probably be baking a cake, and poor Philip would be standing to the side looking completely smitten and totally horrified.”  He laughs, a tear tracing its way across his cheek.  “I miss her so much, Simon.”

“I know.  I miss her too.”  He lays down again, this time tugging Kieren towards him and threading his fingers through his hair again.  They lay wrapped in each other until Kieren dozes off, his breath ghosting across Simon’s neck.  

The silence gives Simon time to think and he worries, thoughts bouncing around his head at such a quick pace that he can’t keep up.  He tries to focus on something to get him balanced and he smiles as he feels Kieren’s heart beating, steady and reassuring.  He takes a deep breath, holding it in for a few beats before letting it out slowly and the thoughts slow, allowing him to relax.  Kieren moves closer, mumbling something in his sleep and winding himself tighter around Simon.  His fingers twitch against Simon’s side, and he imagines he can feel the warmth of Kieren against him.  That’s the one thing he wishes he could feel, the warmth that Kieren must now be radiating, the warmth that seems to have always been there, dead or alive.  He feels himself relaxing, his arms getting heavier with each beat of Kieren’s heart.

Simon just can’t believe this little doe-eyed boy is _his._ After all he had done, all he had put himself through.  All that had happened at the treatment center, and with the Prophet.  When he took the chance to come to Roarton, all he could think about was the Second Rising.  But as soon as he laid eyes on Kieren…he was gone.  He imagined he could feel something inside him snap and suddenly all he could think of was the strange boy with the scars, the brave boy who would not hesitate to endanger himself to save others, who had stepped in front of guns but never a mirror.  The boy who wanted to change the world, to save it, but couldn’t accept the idea that first he had to save himself from the dark corners of his own mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has already been written out, and I'll try to update weekly.


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is kinda short, sorry. Like I said before, this one has been written ahead of time, but I've been writing another fic, a [Hogwarts AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2697884/chapters/6037886), so I've been kinda busy with that. More to come xx

Simon is shocked awake by the sound of Kieren shouting.

He sits up quickly, taking in the sight in front of him.  Kieren is jerking around in his sleep, his eyes pinched tight.  “No!  That wasn’t me…wasn’t me, not the real me!”  He strikes out, hitting Simon on the jaw.  Simon grabs his arms, pinning them down.

“Kieren!  Kieren, wake up!”  He reaches up with one hand and gently brushes his hands across Kieren’s face.  His eyes fly open, pupils huge as he gasps for air.  He tries to reach out again, but Simon still has his hands pinned.  He lets out a whimper, closing his eyes again and taking short breaths.

“Kieren, it’s okay, I’m here.  It’s Simon, I’m right here.”  Slowly, Kieren calms down.  His eyes open again and he looks up at Simon.  “What happened?”

Kieren shakes his head, taking a deep breath and letting it out shakily.  “Nightmare.  Like the flashbacks I had before, but this was worse.  I could feel--” He closes his eyes, tugging at his hands.  Simon releases them, letting Kieren curl against his chest.  “I’m fine, it was just a dream.”

Simon pulls him in close, stroking his hair.  “You’re right, it was just a dream.  Just breathe, okay?  You had me worried.”  He lets out a shaky breath of his own.  Being undead meant he didn’t actually need to breathe, but sometimes it steadied him. Kieren, on the other hand, actually needs the air, and he takes deep, hitching breaths to calm himself down. Simon says nothing, just runs his fingers through Kieren's soft hair.

They stay that way for a while, Simon petting Kieren’s hair and rocking him gently.  Eventually, Kieren pulls back and looks up into Simon’s face.  “You’re cold.  Guess it’s good that you’re always in those ridiculous jumpers.” he says, smirking.

Simon rolls his eyes.  “A guy gets his life back and he thinks he can mock the undead.”  He kisses Kieren once, tucking him back to his chest and laying them down.  “You scared me, Kieren.  Have these nightmares happened before?”

“No, this was the first.  It was almost identical to the flashbacks I used to get when I was taking the neurotriptyline, and they told me that was a side effect of something connecting in my brain.  So I guess that explains it.”  He sighs, his hands still shaking a bit where they lie on Simon’s chest.  “I had dreams before, too, and they were so vivid.  But this one, I actually felt it as I-and Lisa, it was her again.”

“Kier,” Simon cuts him off.  “Stop thinking about it. We had to do that, or else we would have died.  Lisa’s parents forgave you, Jem forgave you.  Why can’t you forgive yourself?”

Kieren pulls away and Simon is shocked to see tears in his eyes.  “How can you of all people act like it’s so easy?  I know you, Simon.  You put on this face, like you’ve forgiven yourself, and you tell all these people that they need to do the same but I _know_ you haven’t done it.  You still feel just as guilty as I do, so don’t preach to me like you’re so much better.”

Simon stares at him, shocked.  It isn’t often that he gets to see Kieren angry.  “Kier…”

Kieren shakes his head.  “I’m sorry, that was harsh.  But can we not do this now?  Please.”  His voice breaks on the last word and Simon wants to carry on the conversation but he holds back, taking another unnecessary breath before nodding.  Kieren curls against him, hands still shaking.  He pulls the blankets back over them.  

“You know I love you, Simon.”

Simon smiles against Kieren’s hair.  “Yeah, I know.”

“You could say it back.”

“I love you too, Kieren Walker.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, please go check out the ITF Advent Calendar! I wrote two chapters (those two chapters and the artwork are the first two chapters from here) and there are so many other GORGEOUS and well written fics, with amazing artwork that blows my mind. So go check that out [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2708018/chapters/6060593) <3


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Been home for the holidays and hella busy. I hope you guys all had a good holiday season, and happy new year! 2015 is gonna be interesting.

The next day after Kieren eats—he seems to almost have forgotten how, and he only manages a few bites—the two are sitting in the lobby, waiting for Doctor Russo.  Kieren is tapping his hand on his thigh and Simon covers it with his own.

“Calm down, Kieren.  It’s gonna be okay.”

Kieren nods jerkily and Doctor Russo comes out, beckoning them to follow him back to his office.  He does a full exam, checking Kieren’s eyes and reflexes. Simon sits by as Russo draws blood, following the trail of red that fills the needle.  After what feels like hours, the doctor comes back in and sits down at his desk.

“Well…this is definitely new.  I know the same thing happened to Amy Dyer, but we weren’t able to do any tests on her.”  Kieren and Simon both wince at the way he just brushes her death off, and he shoots them a sympathetic look.  “Sorry.  But it seems like you’re fine, Kieren.   You’re a little low on iron and daily nutrients, but then again you haven’t eaten for six years or so.  I’m going to prescribe you some pills for that.  Other than that, you check out just fine.”  He taps the pen on the board and tucks the papers into a folder.  

“What about Simon?”

Simon’s head spins around quickly.  “This isn’t about me right now, Kieren.”

Kieren sighs.  “I know, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.  Do you think this will affect him as well?”

Doctor Russo toys with the pen again, tapping it against the desk.  “I’m not sure.  You showing the symptoms as well?”  He looks up, and Simon nods.  “Well, you may come back as well, but we just have to leave it to time.”

They nod, and the room is suddenly quiet and the atmosphere is tense.  “Are you going to let people run tests on me?”  Kieren asks, his voice low.

“Of course not.  I do have many questions concerning your symptoms just so I can look for them in other PDS Sufferers, but other than that I will not allow any testing that you do not consent to.  We clear?”   Kieren nods, visibly relieved.  “Would you like to answer the questions now, or would you like to come back at another time?”

“Might as well do it now.”  His stomach grumbles and a flush spreads across his cheeks.

Simon grins, loving the new colors on Kieren’s skin.  “Want me to fetch you something?”

“Yeah, ta.  I don’t really care what.”  

“I’ll find you something.  Be back in just a bit,” Simon says, leaning in to give Kieren a quick kiss.  He walks out of the office, Doctor Russo’s voice following him as he begins the questions.  

He leaves the building, following the road down to the market.  He goes in, ignoring the looks from people who see his face.  He hasn’t worn cover-up or lenses since he arrived in Roarton save the day he went to lunch with Kieren, and he knows it bothers people, but he can’t bring himself to care.  First step to getting people to accept you is accepting yourself, and that means no hiding.    

He grabs a few packets of crisps, some biscuits, and a sandwich before heading up to the till.  He gets a strange look again, but that was to be expected.  Since when have PDS Sufferers needed food?  He grins at the cashier, knowing it’s an unsettling smile, and tips a handful of change down onto the counter.  A few awkward minutes later he’s out again and heading back to the GP, whistling softly.  When he heads back down the hall to Russo’s office, he hears shouting and nearly drops all the food as he runs the rest of the way to the door.

“That’s bullshit!  Complete and utter bullshit.  You promised me, no testing!”

Kieren sounds angrier than Simon has ever seen him.  “What the hell is going on?”

“He wants to send the blood sample off to the Treatment Center.  Fucking Norfolk, again!  It’s following me wherever I go and I can’t do this, not again.”  Kieren turns to Simon, his face angry but his eyes are full of unspoken fear and Simon reaches for him, paying no attention to the food that falls to the floor around his feet.  He pulls Kieren tight against his chest, trying to calm him down.

After a moment, Kieren pulls away and slumps into a chair, leaving Simon to lean across the desk and grab Russo by the collar.  “You are not.  Sending.  Those.  Samples.”  He let’s go of the doctor roughly, turning and grabbing the food from the floor and pushing it into Kieren’s arms.

“Kieren, Simon, please let me explain!”  

“We trust you not to send those, Doctor Russo.”  Kieren’s voice is cold and his face is like stone and it’s almost comical that he’s clutching gummy candies to his chest while sounding this angry, and Simon can see a chill go down the doctor’s spine.  “If you send those samples off, I will have you sued within an inch of your life and you can kiss this damn medical practice goodbye, I will have you run out of this town before you can even pack your bandages.  Do you understand me?”

“Kieren-“

“I asked if you understood me.”  Kieren’s voice has taken on a chilling tone and Simon knows that if he could still get them, there would be goose bumps all over his body as well.  Doctor Russo seems to note the change and he nods, hands crossed over each other limply.  “Right.  We’re done here.”

He storms out and Simon shoots one last glare at the doctor, who is now awkwardly shuffling papers on his desk.  He steps closer, leaning against the desk again.  “Doctor Russo, I want to make sure you _really_ understand.  See, Kieren is less willing to actually fight for what he wants.  I am not.  And I will not allow Kieren to even have to _think_ about the treatment center again, and I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Russo nods, his eyes wide.  

“Right.  Well, I’ll be by tomorrow to pick up the samples and results.”

“I’m not sure we’ll have them by then-“

“See you tomorrow, Doctor.”

By the time he gets outside Kieren is long gone.  Simon curses under his breath and jogs back to the Walker home, banging on the door.  Jem opens the door, looking concerned.

“Simon?  What’s the matter, where’s Kieren?”

“He isn’t here?”

Jem shakes her head, and Simon thanks her as he runs off again.  He checks the bungalow, but it’s empty.  “How the hell did he move that fast,” he grumbles, reaching for his phone and calling Kieren.  It rings and goes through to voicemail and he can feel panic setting in.  He leans against the wall, taking a steadying breath again while he calls.  When he gets voicemail again, he pushes himself away from the wall and back out the door.

“Amy,” he whispers, rushing towards the cemetery.  Neither he nor Kieren have visited her grave yet, just sat in her room and talked like she was there, pain in their voices as they spill memories of a happier time.  He runs as fast as he can, earning himself strange looks from the people he rushes by but he pays them no attention.

When he finally reaches the cemetery he can see Kieren hunched in front of the grave and he almost collapses in relief.  As he draws closer, he can see that Kieren’s shoulders are shaking, and his arms are wrapped tight around his torso.

“Kier?” he says, sinking to the ground beside Kieren.  He tugs at Kieren’s arm and almost tips over with the force at which Kieren launches himself at Simon.  He’s gasping, his breath hitching in his breath and it sounds like he’s choking on glass.  “Kieren, love, breathe.  C’mon, Kier.  Deep breaths.  Follow me, okay?”

Kieren grabs at Simon’s sweater and yanks himself forwards so he’s nearly in Simon’s lap, his breathing still erratic.  He gasps again and tries to follow Simon’s lead.

“You’re okay, Kieren, I’m not gonna let you go back there.  Right now I just need you to breathe, okay?”   He inhales and holds the air for a few seconds before letting it out, looking into Kieren’s eyes and nodding as he follows suit.  After a few minutes, Kieren is getting closer to a normal breathing rate and he leans into Simon’s embrace.

They stay that way for a few moments until the shaking subsides and Kieren breathes evenly, Simon just stroking his back and murmuring nonsense words of comfort.  Kieren eventually pulls back, his eyes bloodshot.  “Sorry,” he mumbles, picking at his nails.  

“Hey.”  Simon puts his hands on Kieren’s, forcing the other to look him in the eye.  “Don’t apologize.  I should have gone right after you, I’m sorry.”

Kieren stares at him for a moment before leaning forward, pressing his lips softly to Simon’s.  He’s always so gentle when he initiates the kisses, hesitant, like he expects Simon to push him away.

Simon’s hands go up and cup Kieren’s face, deepening the kiss and pulling the smaller man closer to his chest.  Kieren throws a leg over Simon’s so he’s sitting across them, twisting his fingers into the fabric of Simon’s jumper.  He’s kissing almost angrily now and Simon has to pull away, leaning his forehead against Kieren’s.

“You better?”  Kieren nods and their noses bump together.  Simon smiles, leaning in for another kiss.  This one is softer, sweeter than the first and when they pull back, Kieren has a small smile on his face.  “I’ve got you, okay?  I’m not letting you go anywhere, and nobody is gonna touch you.”

Kieren sighs and leans against Simon again, burying his face in the crook of his neck.  “Thank you so much, Simon.  I have no idea what I would do without you.”  Simon wants to stay that way for the rest of the day but Kieren starts shivering and his stomach grumbles, causing the two to laugh and break apart.  They stand, Kieren rubbing his hands up and down his arms.

“Let’s go back to the bungalow.”  Simon nods, grabbing the food off the ground and twisting his fingers into Kieren’s.

\--

Later they lie in bed, Kieren wearing one of Simon’s jumpers with his back pressed tight against Simon’s chest, Simon with one arm slung protectively around the other man’s waist.  Their fingers are twined together, legs tangled.  Simon presses a kiss to the pink scar on the back of Kieren’s neck from the neurotriptyline injections.  “You know I love you, right?  I’m gonna keep you safe, forever.”

He can hear the smile in Kieren’s voice as he replies, “Yeah, I know.  I love you, Simon.”  He lifts Simon’s hand to his mouth, pressing soft kisses to each knuckle.  “And you don’t have to worry, you know.  I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, my [Tumblr](http://angelicgays.co.vu) is always here to make new friends (aka Im a lonely person okay love me)


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay, sorry for the long wait. Holidays (I hope you guys had good ones) and now school started up again. Anyways, here you go. This chapter is a bit short, sorry.

The days pass in much the same way as before, with Kieren steadily feeling better, gaining even more color and energy.  It’s a bit strange having food around the bungalow, what with neither of them having eaten in so long, but they fall into the swing of things quickly.  Simon doesn’t collapse again for a while, until one day when they’re sitting in the bungalow, having a slow day.  It’s so like the day Kieren came back.

“What do you mean you’ve never read Harry Potter?” Kieren asks, peeping his head around the doorway of the kitchen.

“Just never happened!” Simon calls back from his place in the living room, where he’s sprawled across the sofa holding Kieren’s battered copy of _The Philosopher’s Stone._  “I was more into poetry and Vonnegut.”

“Even as a child?  No wonder you’re so twisted.”  Kieren grins widely and ducks back into the kitchen, ignoring Simon’s expression.  

“Very funny.  So are you trying to hint that I can borrow this to read it?”

“Yeah.  I haven’t read it in a while either, maybe we can read it together.”  

But Simon doesn’t hear.  He’s gone stiff, his limbs locking at his sides as he falls to the ground.  Unable to stop himself, he hits it face first.  When Kieren hears the thud he runs in, gasping and turning Simon onto his back.  He cradles Simon’s face, watching calmly as the other’s jerking subsides.

Simon lets out a huff of breath, bringing his hands up to his face.  “Fuck.”  He sits slowly and Kieren hovers over him like a worried mother, but he tries to brush it aside.  “I’m fine, Kier.  Don’t let the place burn down.”

Kieren bits his lip but stands and goes into the kitchen, turning off the stove before coming back in.  Simon has moved back to the sofa and he’s leaning into the cushions, eyes closed.

“You alright?” Kieren asks, fingers brushing through Simon’s hair.

“Yes, Kieren, I said I was fine.”  The words come out harsher than he means to and he groans, rubbing his eyes.  “Sorry.  I really am fine, though.  Stop worrying.”  He opens his eyes and sees the hurt look on Kieren’s face.

“Okay,” is all he says, standing and walking back into the kitchen.  Simon hears the sound of water filling a pot and seconds later the sound of the pot slamming onto the stove.  He grunts as he stands, closing his eyes against the dizzy feeling, and steps into the kitchen.

“What’s the matter?”

Kieren just shakes his head, leaning back against the counter with his hands tucked into his pockets.  

“C’mon, Kier, tell me.”  Simon steps closer, touching Kieren’s neck but pulling away when the other flinches from his touch.  “What did I do?”

“I just…” Kieren starts, shaking his head and shoving past Simon to stand in the middle of the small room.  “I can’t help but feel like you don’t want this to happen.”

“What, coming back?  Kieren…”

“No, let me finish.  You said you were happy for me, but I can see that you aren’t.  You want me back to being like you and I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you.  I knew, _I knew_ that when I turned you wouldn’t still want me. ”  He shakes his head again and tries to push past Simon to the hallway.

Simon feels the anger boiling up, paired with the dull ache from his collapse and suddenly the words are spilling out without him being able to stop them.

“You’re right!  I don’t want to be alive, Kieren.  I didn’t even want to be undead!  I died because I wanted to be gone and I got stuck with this shitty second life.  I _ate_ my own mother, my father threw me out, and I almost killed you.  You, the last thing that mattered to me.  And you know what happens now, since you’re alive?  You _age_.  You are going to die again someday, and I will be stuck here without you and I will hate every second of it and never have a way out.  So yeah, maybe the easiest way would be to just--” he stops, inhaling sharply.

“Just what?” Kieren asks, voice flat.

“I didn’t mean that, you know that.  You know how much you matter to me.”

Kieren laughs bitterly.  “Do I?”  

He succeeds in pushing past Simon, grabbing his jacket and storming out the door.  It slams shut behind him and Simon is left standing there, staring at the empty space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please leave comments and if you have questions or anything, stop by my [Tumblr.](http://angelicgays.co.vu)


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self-harm

_Kieren's POV_

I knew it, I knew I wouldn’t be enough.  I am never enough.

Worthless, worthless.  What is the point of me?  Can’t even do things right when I’m given a third chance.  Pointless, stupid.  Pointless.

I close my eyes against the familiar burn.  The black of my eyelids is comforting, as is the familiar burn. Fleeing the bungalow, running running running - now it’s all rushing back, just me and this damn cave, all the fear from before pushing into me, and Rick’s face flashes across my eyelids, happy and alive.  It flashes again, dark and with wide dead eyes like when I found him outside my house, and then Simon is there telling me he thought I was different, and now again when he says he doesn’t want me and _God, I can’t do this,_ too much, too much.

My hands are shaking as I look down at my wrists.  The blood snakes down from the cuts, my wrists attached to strangely shaking hands. Drip, drop, softly on the leaves and it’s almost beautiful, almost like paint spattered across canvas. It’s almost like watching from outside myself - the blade rises again, slides across the skin, and the blood wells like ink from a pen. Fucking sleeve in the way - there. Patterns in the skin. The burn that reminds me that this is wrong, wrong, I shouldn’t be - but how else do I know I’m real?

And that I'm worthless.

My breath is choking, burning, tears blurring my sight.  I hate this feeling, this burning, this constant reminder that I’m weak.  I never wanted to come back to this damn cave, and now here I am, carving my skin and it’s so wrong and it’s all my fault.

_I didn’t even want to be undead._

“Neither did I.”  I whisper, staring down at my arm.  I realize I’ve drawn an eye.  I cut one line through it, shaking harder than ever.  “I just wanted out.”

I pull the blade away, letting it slip from my hand as I stare down at the gory art I’ve drawn.   _Thud._  I curl in on myself, holding my knees to my chest.  I can’t get away from the tears, no matter how hard I curl in on myself. I couldn’t cry before, undead/dead, but here it is now.   The pain from being hunted, Rick, Amy’s death.  The pain of Simon, knowing how he must hate me now.  I came so close, _so fucking close_ to being happy again and I screwed it all to hell because I was too concerned about myself. The pain from being hunted, Rick, Amy’s death.  The pain of Simon, knowing how he must hate me now.  The burning starts again in my chest and I’m reach for the blade again, holding it to my arm and I know how bad this is.

Selfish. _Slash._ Pointless. Selfish _._ Shouldn’t even be here.

_Slash._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright...leave comments and let me know what you thought!  
> [My Tumblr](http://angelicgays.co.vu)


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!

“Shit, shit, _shit!”_

I turn and run out the door, not even checking to make sure it closes.  I wasted too much time just standing there, staring at my hands.  Let Kieren run off and I know he’s gonna be upset, and I know that he’s already in danger of himself now.  I think I know where he’ll be and it breaks my heart, but I have to check.  Weaving through the trees, colors blurring as I look for a familiar flash of red hair.  “Kieren?  Kieren!”

I know I’m getting close, even though I’ve never seen it.  Kieren and Amy had described it so many times...the graffiti catches my eye, and thank God Kieren is there too, hunched by the entrance.

“Kieren!”  I run to him, slipping and sliding on the damp leaves.  I crash to my knees beside him, pulling him against me.  He’s shaking and crying and—

Blood.  So much blood, on the leaves beneath him and staining the edges of his sleeves.

“Kieren, _no.”_ I tug at his wrists and he shows them to me.  For a moment I’m relieved because I see the two big scars are still closed, but I want to scream when I see the angry red marks that surround them and cover the rest of his arms, up to the inside of his elbow.  After looking closer I can see that it’s not as much blood as I had thought, just smeared, but there are so many cuts.  

“I’m sorry, Simon, I’m so stupid.  You’re right to not want me.”

I pull him into me, crushing him to my chest.  “You were stupid, Kieren, but only in thinking I couldn’t want you.  You know how much you mean to me, how could you think I would stop loving you?  You think that something could ever make me change my mind?”

He hiccups and his breath hitches as he tries to speak through the sobbing.  “I just…I thought that you wanted me gone, now that I’m alive and you’re still the way you are and it won’t ever work.  I’ll find a way to mess things up again, I always do.”  His voice is becoming hysterical again and he starts raking his nails against his arms.  I grab his hands, pinning them down and squeezing just tight enough to hurt.

“Hey, look at me.”  He whimpers softly, looking into my eyes and his are wide and bloodshot, tears streaking his face.  “You are so important, Kieren Walker.  You matter, and you are the only thing I have anymore.  I could never give you up.  I was angry, I let my mind just take over and none of what I said was true, okay?  I want to be alive again, I want to be with you and give you everything you need.”  I lean closer so my forehead is against his.  “Alright?”

He nods, tears leaking out of his closed eyes and I press soft kisses to his eyelids, his lashes brushing against my mouth.  I move down and kiss his cheeks, his jaw, everywhere I can reach before finally kissing his mouth.  He sighs against my lips, pressing hard against me and nearly knocking us both over.  “Mmf, Kieren, hold on.”  He pulls away, hurt flashing across his face.  “No, not because I don’t want to kiss you.  God, I love kissing you.  But we need to get you cleaned up, okay?”

He looks down at his arms, shame curling his shoulders in, and nods.  I wrap an arm around his waist and pull him up, holding him close for a moment before gently rolling his sleeves down over his arms.  “Don’t look at them, okay?  And you have nothing to be ashamed about.  I just wish you had stayed, talked to me.  I knew you were close, but I didn’t think…”

He sighs, rubbing absently at his wrists where the bigger scars lay.  “Yeah, I know.  I’m just so used to running off, being alone.  Instinct.”  He smiles weakly and it makes me want to hold him and protect him and not let the world come near him, but I know he’s strong.

I tell him as much and he just smiles again, staying silent as we walk back to the bungalow.  When we get there, I dab his arms clean and bandage them, pressing kisses to them and leading him to the couch again.  “Sit.”

He does, leaning into the pillows and curling up into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees.  I go into the kitchen and set the pot of water to boil again, and in a few minutes I’m carrying in a mug of tea.  He takes it, thanking me softly and blowing on it.  I poke him and he stands, eyebrows raised.  

I settle down, reaching out my arms and he climbs into my lap.  He leans back against my chest, his hair tickling my chin as I reach around him for the book laying on the side table.

I clear my throat, flipping to the first page.  “ _Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.  They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense.”_

Kieren snorts a laugh and I pause, nudging him with my elbow.  “Sorry, sorry.  Continue.”

I smile to myself and continue reading, feeling him relax against my chest.  Outside rain starts pounding on the window, thunder rolling and lightning turning the sky bright again and again but we pay it no attention, wrapped in our own little world.  

\--

_Just a few blocks away, Amy Dyer bursts through the ground, gasping for air.  She looks around as the wind whips her hair across her face, her heart beating fast._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so fun to write, and thank you so much to people who were here from the start! Please leave kudos and comments, I love reading what you guys say.
> 
> More to come soon ;D

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://angelicgays.co.vu)


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